Recently, I have been thinking about going through things, getting rid of stuff, in order to clear up space, both physically and energetically for something new. In that spirit, I came across my old journals from 1989 - 1990 (and beyond) and thought, “I’ll give these a quick read and then burn them.” I have never gone back and read journals from this period in my life. I had graduated high school, was in my first relationship, moved to Richmond,B.C for a short course, moved out with a friend for a few months and then got married. All in a short span of time.
We all have a memory of ourselves from “back then”, when we were younger, but when you read about life in your own words, you realize that you may have remembered things a little differently than your young self experienced them. In my first journal, I endeavoured to write every, single day, which I pretty much did, so it’s a rare occurrence to get such a glimpse into the daily workings of my mind.
Here’s what I don’t remember thinking, but clearly did….
-satan was really out to get me. Seriously, I don’t remember that but I sure wrote about it. A miracle I survived such an onslaught. :)
-I was desperate for god to change me, to do something with my sinful self, to save me by any means necessary. Surprising was the violent nature of the language that was so prevalent.
-the shame I felt over my sexual desires and nature and how I could not embrace that part of me unless I was married and, doing anything with your partner meant you were already married in god’s eyes, all that was left was to sign the paper.
-I was wondering what I should do with my life but I didn’t have the self confidence to choose anything, I let life happen to me…marriage and of course god’s highest calling…motherhood, trumps any personal planning.
-What I really don’t remember about me, but is evident from my journals, is my constant striving. Striving to be better, more loving, a better child of god, a better wife, better, better, better. I owned all my relationship issues as something in me that god needed to work on.
Interestingly, not one journal entry started with the words…Good morning, lord, thank you for making me so fucking awesome!! Nope, not one. Just a constant record of ways I could improve. More ways I could let god lead. More ways I could surrender.
So, what does my 48 year old self feel upon reading my old journals? Grief.
And sadness that that one of me didn’t know her own value. Didn’t know her worth. Made decisions in life based on her striving, her lack. So, I thought about what I would have wanted that one of me to know. And here it is.
Dear 18/19/20 year old me.
I see you.
I See You!
I see you, striving one.
I see you, sexual one.
I see you, hungry one.
I see you, fearful one.
I see you, desperate one.
I see you, one who didn’t know her value.
I see you, one who couldn’t believe in her own worth.
I see you, one who thought it couldn’t be the world around her that needed to change, therefor it must be her.
I see you
I see how hard you tried. I see how much you wanted to connect with the divine. I’m sorry you didn’t know it was already in you. I’m sorry you didn’t know that you were enough. I’m sorry that you didn’t know you had something to bring to this world that only you could bring. I’m sorry that you didn’t know if you had what it took to make it in this world, the confidence to step out and make your way in the world. I’m sorry that you didn’t think the world had your back, but instead thought that the world was really satan, out to get you…truly, I might be saddest about that.
I’m sorry for all the limits, self imposed and otherwise. I’m sorry you lacked healthy mirror’s who told you what you were actually capable of, who told you you could absolutely go out into this world and kick ass and take names.
And, I’m thankful for you. I’m thankful that you kept going. I’m thankful that you are and were a seeker, that you don’t stop. I’m thankful for your hunger, your heart, your tenacious spirit. I’m thankful that you learned to ask questions. To trust yourself. I’m thankful that you learned that god, Mystery, was much bigger than the one you started with…I’m really thankful about that. I’m thankful that through it all, you found your way. You forged your own path. You trusted your heart. You followed your deeper self that you didn’t even know at the time but still you followed.
You set boundaries.
You stopped trying to please everyone.
You rose up.
You learned the world was not out to get you but in fact, in relationship with you.
And I, your 48 year old self, am very, very proud of you!
Oh, and yes, I burned those journals, surrendered them to the fire of transformation.